Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
