I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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