I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Even my vagina gasped.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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