You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
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