9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
