Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
