I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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