I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
