then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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