Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
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hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
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As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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