I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
