I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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