I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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