Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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