You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
