I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
