i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
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