She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
