I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
