Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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