I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
