Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
