I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
