We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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