DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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