Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
