I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
she told me i tasted like america
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
