I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
