I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
