Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
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We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
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Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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