Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Randomize
