So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
