I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
