I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
