So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Randomize
