I'm lost and stupid without you.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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