she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
