As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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