I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
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