Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
