I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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