I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
