The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
