I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i would punch a child for taco bell
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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