um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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