I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
