Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
