he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
