I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
