Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
