Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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