Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
