That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
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