Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
