She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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