I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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