Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
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