That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
