im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
