i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
i drank out of a bidet.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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