they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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